 Fifteen, Australian. Photography, good music, good friends, good memories. Long phone calls. Amor Vincit Omnia, ♥. |
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Once it's broken, it's gone.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
There's no pretty words here, tonight; no metaphors or warped comparisons like there usually is.I'm angry, there's no denying it.
I'm angry because I can't tell you why I'm angry because I'm afraid of how you'll hurt me.
I'm angry because I'm afraid of you.
I'm angry that I want to hide, again - because you used to make me feel safe and confident, even from all those miles away; but now you don't.
I'm angry because other people say the things to me that you used to - and I enjoy that, because, well - you don't say them anymore, do you?
I'm angry because of everything that happened. Rather, everything that you did.
I'm angry because I'm sure you know how you make me feel, and I can see that you just don't give a fuck.
I'm angry because I'm being left behind. Again.
I'm angry because you promised. You. Fucking. Promised.
I'm angry because I'll never get through to you now and it can't be fixed.
I'm angry, because I know you'll read this. And I know you'll know this is about you. And you won't do anything about it, because I'm the one with the problem so I'm the one who should try and fix it.
I'm angry because I want to leave even though I fucking love you.
Hold on.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Hold on - I promise I'll be better.Slow down; you know I can't keep up
Don't leave me now.
I can't lose you now.
My apology's always too late,
and there's only so much you can take.
Don't let this go,
Don't let me go.
Written by my best friend. exoh.
Irrelevant,
Friday, November 6, 2009
I should have let go a year ago.If not longer.
But I never did.
And now I need to.
Because I'm so tired of this feeling.
To all those involved, however unaware you may be:
I apologise.
No pretty words, just cryptics. Please don't ask.
Real and Untouched.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I think that, sometimes, you have to fight. Just to prove that it’s real; just to sort things out. I think people say what they really mean when they’re coming down from frustration. I hate coming down – it’s the most painful part. I think that I’m far too impulsive and easily angered. And I’m the piece of the puzzle that just doesn’t quite fit right. I’m definitely the blatant opposite of the person I was a year ago – like it or leave it: I don’t particularly care, if I’m being completely honest. I think that true love lasts forever – where there’s a will, there’s a way. I know I’m in love. I just need to have more patience and grace.I fall in love. But, no, never in grace.
I can see where our problems are arising – I need to be reminded that I can’t save everyone and I can’t fix everything. The blame is not entirely mine – we’ve both changed and I need to stop blaming myself, that I can’t tell or empathise any more: you’ve got better at hiding it. I need to care more; realise that – like me - there’s things you don’t share and I don’t know everything.
We’re teenagers – we think we’re smart, but we’re not. We don’t know anything.
I think writing things down helps but I hate doing it, because it’s neither elegant nor eloquent and I can’t make people feel what I do, with simple words.
I believe that, one day, I’ll be enough. For everyone. I believe in happily ever afters: your when is my if. Not every friend was meant to be forever – we had a good run, but you need to know when to let go.
She often smokes to avoid worse habits, between the numbness and the faint probe of what it was to cry or smile.
I only complain about the little things to distract myself from the bigger problems that I’ve never been willing to face. One day.
Sleeping also helps. And stories. And my father. So do you – but two anchors don’t make a life boat. Music used to, but it’s either not real enough, these days, or too real. I’m sick of being tired and tired of being sick. Happiness is a choice, not a state of mind – but it’s where I want to be. I’m just as useless as a gun without a firing pin – you can pull the trigger, but shit all is going to happen.
I need you like I need a hole in my head.
Calling someone a friend is just a nicer term for familiarity. I honestly prefer acquaintances.
Thank you, stranger, for your therapeutic smile.
I don’t believe in God – I just believe I’m going to hell; I just believe in something out there that’s bigger than us. And karma. And everything happening for a reason. I hate dreaming, because it hurts when I wake up and realise I’m alone.
Where do all the empty people go with their dreams?
There’s never a middle – everything with me is always to the extremes, and I quite do hate it.
It’s a hundred generations removed from anything original. But the truth is aren’t we all?
Speaking of hate, I have a lot of it lately. I hate you for the way you are. You’re just like me. You have been for as long as I’ve known you. You’re just the same as I am. Sometimes you’re too much like me. So much so, that I can’t handle it. I snap. Break. Bend. Wilt. And I bring you down with me. Because that’s only fair, right? If I’m breaking, you have to, too – because we’re the same. Right? You take me down when that’s the way you’re going – that makes it fair, right?
I’ve figured out what’s driving me insane. It’s the lack. The lack of you; the lack of us. The first time it changed, I was alright at first. Then I realised it wasn’t changing back. So then it upset me. Then it changed again and I had less. That upset me straight away. And now it’s changed again – and I have even less. That’s what making me like this. I still need you like I always did and that’s what’s driving me insane. I don’t even have half as much of you as I used to. But that’s the way things always are with me. I always get left behind with the feelings I always had while the people I love move on and find new people to love or talk to about everything.
Things happen in threes, right? I hope so. I hope it won’t happen again.
I’m not asking for much.
Just a moment; a chance to pick up the pieces.
Happiness, please come home.
; this blog was nowhere near done.
I think I'll do something this long, again, sometime soon.
Italics are all lyrics/quotes/sayings. xo.
I think I'll do something this long, again, sometime soon.
Italics are all lyrics/quotes/sayings. xo.
The Killing Name.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I don't need this, don't wanna be this.What if God doesn't care?
What if God doesn't care?
Remember. Surrender.
I'm so over today.