 Fifteen, Australian. Photography, good music, good friends, good memories. Long phone calls. Amor Vincit Omnia, ♥. |
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
'The heart is capable of the most noble feelings and the most vile.'I'm your friend, and I need you to accept that; and I need you to believe me; and I need you to trust me. If you want me to help you, that is.
But trust is a two way street. I have no reason not to trust you, but that doesn't mean I do.
I do regret, more than I admit.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I need to get out of this town. I need new faces, new places, new interests; new me. It's time for a change. I like familiar things, routine. But I hate it, too. I need spontaneity and fun and, well, just new. I'd run away, if I could. I'd run away and I'd stay away, if I could - but we all know I can't.I want a proper holiday. A long car trip through nothing. One of those trips where you could drive until midnight for three days, and you'd only just get where you want to be by the fourth midnight. One of those trips where you drive and think and drive and think for hours on end. Even if you don't know exactly where you're going - as long as it's somewhere other than here. And you see the sun rise and set and the lights of the cities pass you by.
Pass you by.
I always feel like I'm being left behind. Everyone I know knows what they want to do with their life - where they want to be; what they want to do. And if not their whole future, they know what they want to do for the next few years - just until they finish school. I barely know what I want to do when I get off this computer - let alone my whole life.
And everything around me is just passing me by. Like life's just one big gathering and I'm the only kid in the school who didn't get invited in. But then I don't want to be let in, do I? Because I want to run away. And I'd only lie my way out of it, if I did get invited in, anyways. I'd come up with a story, and hide away until you all forgot me again. I'm a liar.
I'm a liar.
I do lie - more than I'd like to admit. I've lied to you just now, you know. I do know what I want to do with my life. I want to follow my heart. She took it with her when she left today. I'm not saying I want it back. There's just a void in my chest where it used to be, where she put it back for the last two weeks while she was here. But she took it on that train with her today, so the edges of that cavity are still raw, and will be for a few days.
I know she'll take care of it wherever she goes, so I'm not worried. But lacking it sometimes hurts - especially now. That's why I know what I want to do with my life; that's how I know I'll follow her wherever she goes, as long as she'll have me there. And that's my choice, and I'm tired of people telling me I'm making a mistake.
The more I think, the more I wish that we could lay here for hours and just reminisce.
It's Not You, It's Me.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I seem to have this idea. I think everyone thinks about you, as much as I do. Even though I know it's probably not true - I couldn't be sure: I'm always stuck inside my own head. But I'm jealous and I'm insecure and I sure do know how to make myself hurt.Sometimes I think I'm jealous. I don't know, but I think I have this idea that you're closer to everyone else, than you are, me. Yes, that should phase me, were it true. Yes, it does. But it doesn't make the fact that I think that right, now, does it? No. Because I don't know it's true. Rather, I know it's not. Hell, I hope it's not.
Then I realise just how insecure I really am. We both know I'm terrified of losing you - I'm scared of everything these days. We both know I'd die without you. Whether it be natural or on purpose - I couldn't live without you. Actually, I probably wouldn't try. That's not to say that you should stay, if you ever wanted to leave. It's just the truth.
I realise that it's just my imagination stretching and squeezing the things I see and wonder until I believe that they're true; in reality, it's nothing.
I go places I know I shouldn't. Read things I know will hurt. I should keep away; stay away. I seem like I don't trust you, don't I? I trust you. More than anything on earth. I've trusted you with everything that made me and broke me; everything that hurt and made me happy. And I have no regrets about that.
It's me, not you.
Classic. Self-centered Amy. What's new? It's always about me. Me, me, me, me, me. Amy.
It's not you, it's me.