 Fifteen, Australian. Photography, good music, good friends, good memories. Long phone calls. Amor Vincit Omnia, ♥. |
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Missing you,
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Missing you, only more like a bullet to the head.- afadthatlastsforever, Beau Taplin.
I hate it here. I hate it, so much.
I don't even know what I need, just that whatever it is - I'm not finding it here.
This always happens. A few good days - Thursday, was nice. Friday was amazing. I got what I needed on Saturday night. Sunday and Monday were nothing special, but they were enough. Then there was today. A fall, a crash, a bad day - inevitable, right? Expected, even. That didn't make me ready. That doesn't make me okay.
And now I'm off-topic. Like usual.
I've thought about the ways I could leave. Turned the possibilities over and over in my mind, plenty of times. I could go to a boarding school, somewhere - anywhere. I have that possibility open to me, and none of you would believe how close I've been to taking it. But that would mean leaving. You, me and everyone else we know - all know that I'm not strong enough to be able to do that. I'd have to leave my 'friends'. Regardless of the knowledge I have of how widely disliked I actually am, I love those kids. They make things bearable when I miss her; they make me forget the bad things that hurt. They make it - dare I say it? - okay. Here isn't what I need, but they are.
I'd be unhappy no matter where I was. I'm hopeless, in the literal meaning of the word.
I'm two-quarters and a heart down, and I don't wanna forget how your voice sounds. These words are all I have, so I'll write them.