 Fifteen, Australian. Photography, good music, good friends, good memories. Long phone calls. Amor Vincit Omnia, ♥. |
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In A Lonely Place.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Girl, I can't be the boy who fixes your broken heart.I don't want you to treat me like this now.
This time last year, I wanted you to be like this with me. I wanted you to be mine. I loved you. Neither of us did anything about it; you lost your chance.
You can't talk to me like that now, you can't treat me like this now. It's not fair on me. Because I don't love you like that any more. You're just my friend now, and I make that far more than clear, you know? You can't blur the lines.
And in all honesty, I never loved you the same way I love her. I never needed you like I need her. It was there, sure; but it was never as acute. I never really wanted you.
So stop treating me like I'm yours; like I ever was truly yours; like you have any claim on me at all.
Because I'm hers.
I want your smile to never fade away.
I'm tired of making an effort with you. But as many times as I say that, I won't stop. Because I always wanted to be your friend. Your best friend. I had that for a while, and I was happy. I hate how things are now, but I'm starting to hate you more. Never have I met someone so two-faced as you. We're all growing tired of your little game; we're tired of hearing about "them" - I'm sure you don't tell them about us, do you? Are they even there for you to tell? I find it hard to believe.
She blew a kiss that somehow missed, and I ended up all alone. Once again.
I'm tired of seeing everyone care about just you. You say jump, and each of those friends I introduced you to asks how high. It hurts that I was the one who introduced you to those people. You know, the ones who care about you so much now? They were mine. But they never cared about me, they way they care about you. They never thought I was amazing, like they think you are. I'm sure they've forgotten me now, anyway. Some of them have, at least. I'm not important to them. I'd be surprised if I ever was. It's so unfair. Can't I just have someone for myself for once? Just a friend. Someone who cares more about me, than you. I know it's selfish. But can't I have what I want, ever?
The only thing I wanted to tell you is, "I feel perfectly fine. I just need some peace and quiet for a while." Have you ever been so tired?
I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, going around in circles. Life, as fleeting as it apparently is, is so monotonous. Sleep, school, computer. Maybe a little texting in between. Sleep, school, computer. Throw in a few fake smiles and laughs. Sleep, school, computer. And there you have it: my life in a nutshell. It's awfully uninteresting. I want something special, something exciting to look forward to. I want to go places and make new friends and make plans spontaneously. Just like I used to. Alas, I'm not who I used to be.
And if waking up alone in a car is about as good as it gets, I know I did my best: I know I did my best to be yours.
It's never hurt so much to be away from her. I've never needed to have her around just to prove to myself that she loves me. Then again, it's never been like this before. I hate knowing what I know now, but I hate even more that I was never told. I hate the next day. I hate how much this hurts.
Most of all, I hate how this makes me feel like I'm not good enough; like I don't make her happy.
And if we stay out here all night, I'm sure we'll freeze. But I honestly wish you wouldn't leave.
I wish talking about things would make them better, just like it used to.
Not worse. I'm sick of worse. Worse hurts. But it's all I get now.
I can do it, right? I got this. Just like always.
And I'm definitely considering dreams are
worth giving up, when everything seems
way too much.
worth giving up, when everything seems
way too much.